The Taint (2010)

The Taint. I haven’t seen so many cocks since high school. The Taint is a lot about cocks, mostly exploding cocks and bigger than normal cocks. Very few dicks here, not even penises. This is Cocks with a big C. The makers of the movie, Drew Bolduc and Dan Nelson, claims there was no intention of making a movie with a serious message, but somehow, in-between all the gore and nudity there’s still something that could be called a statement. I think it’s very hard (no pun intended) to make a movie that complete lacks thought. The Taint is a very smart movie, it’s filled with love and it’s filled with everything disgusting you can think about. Let’s take a look at the story.

Somewhere, in the basement of an ordinary house, two young men are creating Cocktazium, which make the cocks grows and the sperm-production increases to enormous quantities. It also transforms the men to raving misogynic monsters, armed with boulders and with their cocks hanging out of their pants. But this not really about them, it’s about Phil (Drew Bolduc). A slightly over-aged schoolboy who wakes up in the forest after 12 days and finds out that the world has come to its end and all water is tainted with this horrible poison. He hooks up with Misandra (Colleen Walsh), a violent squirrel-killing woman with a big gun. Together they try to reach un-tainted water and avoid getting killed and raped by the misogynic men!

Now I almost make this sound like a serious movie, but no. Don’t worry. How to explain this? Sometime you’re forced to watch crappy home-made horror movies were all the characters are played by boy between 20-25 years of age. This feels a lot like one of those movies, but with so fucking high quality and so much talent I should be ashamed of doing that comparison! Sorry. Never again, never again. The Taint is a 77 minute long cock-exploding masterpiece. This one packs so much gore, crushed heads, ripped of cocks, squibs, sperm and blood that I never seen anything like it. The editing and directing is flawless, the actors clearly knows what they’re doing. It won’t get any Oscar-nominations, but it’s of course a lot better than most of the shit getting the golden statue.

It’s so damn fun. Just when it starts to slow down, they find a new angle, a new twist, and it’s on the move again. The music is a strong part of the story, and makes it almost poetic in its over-the-top violence and crude pre-teen comedy. Phil, on his skateboard, draped in an American flag stained with sperm a blood, driving down the neighbourhood is a much stronger iconic image than I think they could ever imagine themselves.

The Taint is about freedom, it’s about the US, it’s about misogyny – but mostly, it’s about loads of gore, exploding cocks, nudity and more sex Markus Bachman could take. One of the best new films I’ve seen in a very long time. A must buy, go to their homepage now and get yourself a copy!