Beowulf (1999)

Graham Baker's Beowulf was a popular staple among me and my friends and created many jokes, most of them ridiculing Christopher Lambert - but also the fact that no one in this movie seem to be able to move around without making saltomortals up and tables, back and forth, always landing on their feet! I'm not kidding, and its getting worse closer to the end when everything is flying everywhere. But I have a soft spot for it and I to watch it again after many, many years out in the cold. So I finally took the time and remove the plastic around the DVD and gave it a spin... or a saltomortal!

In a distant... back or forward in time I have no idea, but it's some other kind of reality where medieval times is mixed up with... a time with aluminium, electricity, gas and zippers. Christopher Lambert, who else, is badass Beowulf - who's searches for darkness (and a place to sleep). Good for him he arrives to a weird castle and it's small population who's plagued by Grendel, a nasty monster who kills at least one every night! Crap, yeah? But Beowulf wants to do something about it and offers his warrior service to the sick and old king Hrothgar (Oliver Cotton) and his warrior penis to the beautiful Kyra (Rhona Mitra)! And with his trademarked voice created from whispers and throat clearings Lambert takes on the beast... and the mother of the beast!

Beowulf is a shallow, empty movie - but a lot of fun! It boldly tries to be Mortal Kombat (just watch the pre-credits with the animated logo of Beowulf, and the music) in combination with a couple of ounces of Highlander. But most of the time it's the awesome mix of really crappy techno and mediocre martial arts who makes this movie worth watching. At least the style is consistent, it goes with the idea of a alternative medieval reality with EXTREME corniness! I'm a fan of Lambert, but even I need to agree that he's not really good here. Like he KNOWS what the fuck he signed the contract to agree with. Well, Lambert, it's too late now.

I would say the weakest part of Beowulf is that it really lacks hard violence and graphic gore. Sure, there's a lot of action but it's weak action and the blood is mostly just blood coming out from the mouth or a little bit on the face or on the floor. And a über-silly movie like this needs gore, it needs graphic violence to feel at home in every family's collection. But it won't stop it from being silly entertainment, and we need that kind of movies!

What's really good is the extremely strange monster showing up in the end. I can't really describe it, it's so odd and I never seen anything like it. Part human, part insect, part thing. No, that was a lousy description! It's big, fleshy and everywhere - that's for sure. And it's not an effective monster either, too many parts to cut of very easy. But hey, everyone must earn their living.

Beowulf is out on a very nice looking DVD from Echo Bridge Entertainment in the US, anamorphic widescreen and all. What's extra silly is that the cover makes it look like a SERIOUS movie! Lambert in a shining armour, crawling on the ground with a castle in the background. That's exploitation my friends, pure and simple exploitation.