Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Porno Holocaust (1981)

I'm not sure how to start this review. I've been sitting here for ten minutes trying to figure out something smart to say about Joe D'Amato's Porno Holocaust. But sorry, it's more or less impossible to write something smart. Maybe I should fill this review with comments about how much I love Anthropophagus and the brilliance of Beyond the Darkness and Death Smiles on a Murderer? Maybe some words about what an excellent cinematographer D'Amato was? No, I can't do that, because I've been strong enough to sit through this awful mix of porn and horror and I need to talk about it, I need to clean my eyes with soap and hit my back bloody with at least ten lashes of that sinful whip I have in the basement. Then I'll be pure and free again.

A bunch of nobodies goes to an island to investigate claims that a monster is running around there killing people. Then they fuck - a lot. And then the monster fucks a lot. And then some more fucking. Radioactive penis. The end.

I think that was a realistic retelling of the story, more or less. Could have cut some parts of the story for you, spoilers and stuff. But what the hell, I think you'll survive.

But how the fuck should I review this flick? I guess "fuck" is a good word because that is what people are doing a lot during almost two hour of this masterpiece. They fuck here and there, some lesbian, a threesome with two local guys with huge dicks (bigger than the monster's), some fucking with each other and finally the monster fucks around a little bit - raping I guess, but the women seem quite enthusiastic and often helps him with putting the penis where it should go. Ah yes, then the final two survivors escape with a boat and fucks out at the sea also.

The last time I saw Porno Holocaust was at a fifth or sixth generation dupe and I can swear that the porn was edited out of that version, or I was probably asleep during the more graphic scenes. Here it's very graphic, yes... hardcore, which was a surprise after all these years. Now, I kinda think hardcore porn is quite boring and especially in a horror movie. So how about the horror? If you count one black dude with a silly latex-thing in his face a monster, I guess that's horror for you. If you think it's so cool with red paint smeared over peoples faces and call that gore, I guess this is a horror movie for you.

For me it's just trash. And guess what, it's a movie you have to own! Imagine this: that boring co-worker and his wifey comes home to your place and sees the enormous cock... eh, movie collection. They are used to Swedish cop-movies and, at the most, 40 Year Old Virgin. They have never seen so much weird movies before. They ask you what you recommend to begin with and you take down Porno Holocaust from the Joe D'Amato-section and says: "This is it. The ultimate horror movie. See it together with your mother and father!".

That's the main point with Porno Holocaust, because it's not only an ordinary fuck-movie, it's a "what the fuck"-movie also - and should be treated that way. Good luck with your co-workers parents now and don't blame the upcoming scandal on me please.

This amazing movie is out from Njuta Films NOW and you better buy it before I'll convince you not to!

3 comments:

Matthew said...

I'm not generally a fan of remakes, but I think if a porn studio out in Los Angeles did a remake of this in the same vein as the Pirates XXX movie it could actually be half decent. If nothing else, you would see less genital warts.

JosephAlsarraf said...

Wtf?

CiNEZiLLA said...

or imagine that you write genre reviews for a magazine and then you get this piece of filth on your desk to review and have to explain to the missus what the fuck the reason for having it as part of the column in the first place... unfortunately when I edited the text to the right number of letters, this was the easiest part to cut out, and my comment the most scary thing are the genital warts on their dicks as they really aren't special effects... at least the missus saw the fun part in writing a review that ended like that.

;)