Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Five Rules of Ninja Dixon




1. Just because the masses thinks a movie sucks, it doesn't mean it sucks.

2. The only taste you can trust is your own.

3. The only bad movies are the boring ones.

4. Country, language, budget, genre, digital or film - this doesn't mean nothing! Storytelling is everything.

5. It's just movies, nothing else. Chill down.


Jenglot Pantai Selatan (2011)

Rizal Mantovani is back with yet another silly monster-romp from Indonesia. The last one I saw was Taring, a jungle-style version of The Descent that was quite OK but mostly an excuse to show supermodels in peril (which happens to be one of my favorite genres, some day I will write an article about that!). Jenglot Pantai Selatan is more or less an eighty minute long excuse to show a lot of cleavage. Or to be more specific, an eighty minute long excuse to show half-naked people being killed by the most bizarre monster I’ve seen in a long time: the Jenglot!

So what the heck is a Jenglot? First of all, it’s a mythological creature that’s very popular in Indonesia. Just google it and you’ll see the legend is very much alive up to this very day. To make it simple, it’s more or less a supernatural pet to magicians who practices black magic. It’s a small deformed version of a human, often with long claws, sharp teeth, skin like a newborn rat and quite hairy! It also has a tail and human ears. Cozy!

In this cinematic masterpiece we follow a bunch of twenty something kids who goes to a hip beach party to drink, dance and maybe get some action. And the girls shows their cleavage and the guys show their fit torsos. But this time they have bad luck, because a gang of Jenglots – belonging to a weird, smoking, bearded man who can be invisible to some people – decides to eat everyone that gets close to the water and yeah… everyone near the beach!

I would lie if I claimed Jenglot Pantai Selatan to be a masterpiece, because it’s not. Like Taring it’s a cheap monster-movie with sexy women and cute guys getting attacked eaten by very strange monsters. It’s not even that gory, but bloody and show some gory aftermath. The most gory scene is when one of the Jenglots burst through the chest of one of the characters. But don’t let this stop you from enjoying this piece of trash, because it’s fun trash.

The monsters themselves are cheap and strange, and I think they even put either a monkey, or a cat or a small dog inside the monster-suits in a couple of scenes. They have big human ears, pig-noses and looks god damn ugly – but fun! They also have long tails with something that looks like a human hand on the end. I mean, wtf?

It starts kinda slow, but like in every good SyFy production this also has at least one killing every tenth minute and when there’s not monsters it has half-naked people to look at instead. It’s cheap, shot on digital video – but it looks professional – and sometimes like a better soft porn flick – but uses the low budget in a creative way. I hate low budget movies that don’t show anything when the only thing they can offer is blood, monsters and nudity. Jenglot Pantai Selatan at least tries to give us as much as possible and only that makes it worth watching.

It’s nice to see that Indonesian genre cinema still lives. Give it a try!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Saturn 3 (1980)

“In space no one can hear you moan in ecstasy”

I never really cared for sci-fi. Let me explain. Star Wars was something I liked when I was a kid, but sooner or later I got bored by it. And that’s it. I just feel it’s too hard to connect with something that’s so extremely distanced from the reality we live. This includes fantasy of course. All these big budget extravaganzas just made me feel alienated, cut-off from the story. When everything is fake in a movie (I’m not including animated movies here, because they are…animated. A different thing) it’s just boring. Saturn 3 might not be a masterpiece, but I feel more attracted to this movie than, for example, Star Wars. Mostly because it’s not mega-super-duper budget and has that cheap-expensive look that makes it much more charming (another movie like this is Flash Gordon) than productions that’s calculated to be blockbusters. Give me a Roger Corman-produced sci-fi quickie or Uwe Boll’s In the Name of the King before Star Wars and Lord of the Rings, seriously.

To fully appreciate Saturn 3 you have to accept that it was out of date already when it was released, and the odd casting of Kirk Douglas as the virile scientist Adam is something even I (and I’m a big fan of Kirk) think is weird. Or maybe it’s more weird that he has a relationship with Farrah Fawcett and they both walk around in velour pants! It of course gets more edgy when crazy psychopath Benson (Harvey Keitel) arrives, after killing a colleague of his to be able to work on his super-robot at the space station in peace. Soon it’s revealed that the robot and Benson more or less is the same person, connected through the brains – and Benson is very eager to make sweet love with Fawcett, which also means that the robot wants to do the exact same thing! Manly man Kirk won’t allow this and he even dares to wrestle naked to protect his woman!

So what we have here is a horny killer-robot in space trying to fuck with Farrah Fawcett and Kirk Douglas in silly pants. Yeah, that’s it and if you expect more than so you will be very disappointed. But the movie itself is quite good-looking and sometimes the sets have that stunningly cool seventies vibe that seemed very hard to stay away from during this time (the mother of all movies like that is the awesome Logan’s Run of course). Plagued with problems from the beginning, a Kirk Douglas who really wanted to prove to everyone that he wasn’t 64 years old and a slightly confused Farrah Fawcett. The only one taking his role serious is Harvey Keitel, which make him seem to appear in a completely different movie.

Even if Saturn 3 has aged pretty badly it’s a movie that’s close to my heart. It’s big budget trash, but with a story who belongs in a seventies porn-parody. Kirk Douglas is of course great, but there’s an air of desperation around him – like he knows that he’s an old fart and that this won’t work out in the end. I think this is the last time I’ve seen him play young-at-heart macho guys, after that he understood his age and took more fitting parts. The aura of not so hip sex oozes from Saturn 3, but never becomes annoying or too adult. The violence is more graphic, which surprised me after all these years – for example a chopped of hand, a character being sliced to thousands of pieces and a quick look at a robot wearing a human head!

I’m not gonna hype it, but I like it. Live with that, biatches!

Monday, February 27, 2012

The Island of the Fishmen (1979)


It took me a few years to actually watch Sergio Martino's Islandof the Fishmen, but when I finally took the time it was well worth it. Maybe I was a bit sceptical after Martino's disastrous The Big Alligator River and the generic and uninspired Mountain of the Cannibal God, both from the same time - but this fishy tale had such an interesting look and feeling, almost like on of Kevin Connor's adventure movies with Doug McClure mixed with a healthy dose Island of Dr Moreau and Lovecraft. Can't go wrong with a combination like that!

Claudio Cassinelli is Lt. Claude de Ross, a doctor working on a ship that just sank - so we're meeting him and some of the surviving crew fighting for their lives in the stormy ocean. Some of them find their way to an uncharted island where a crazy fucker named Edmond Rackham (Richard Johnson) prances around pretending to be some local king. He's having some kind of romantic relationship with the young and hot Amanda Marvin (Barbara Bach), the daughter of a crazy scientist, Professor Ernest Marvin (Joseph Cotten), who's the unofficial prisoner of Rackham. Everything could be quite normal here, but under the damn island is the remains of Atlantis and it's habitants is fishmen who worship Amanda like a queen! Everything so that Rackham can have them bringing up gold and other treasures from the ruins! Our hero, de Ross, wants to the girl and run - like always with those darn heroes - but it will be harder than they both thought!

This is a very old-fashioned movie, almost family-oriented (almost, because I'm sure some kids could be scared by it and the violence is intensive without getting bloody and gory) and somehow I can understand how it flopped in the US, even under it's other title of Screamers ("Be Warned: You will actually see a man turned inside-out!". It's a lot of story and it just takes time to get going. But if you can get through that first half hour this is a damn fine adventure movie! It has everything I want from this genre, from secret temples and a hunky hero to monsters and a volcano.

Talking about heroes, Claudio Cassinelli - what a man! It's interesting how his career never generated the hype among cult movie fans like it should have a long time ago. Especially here, a brilliant and convincing performance, handling both the action and the action like a pro. It's a damn pity he left us some years later during the shooting of Sergio Martino's Hands of Steel. A tragic helicopter accident that took his life way too early. The other actors is great also, especially the always wonderful Richard Johnson - here more or less playing a fresh and mentally stable version of his crazy doctor in Zombie Flesh Eaters. Joseph Cotten is frail and old, but do what he's suppose to do. Barbara Bach was always a welcome sight during the seventies, and I think she's a very underrated damsel in distress.

The Island of the Fishmen was a lot better than I expected it to be, though I could have wanted some gore and blood - just for the fun of it! We're talking fishmen here, not teddybears dammit!

Sunday, February 26, 2012

The Last American Soldier (1988)


After Rambo: First Blood Part II the world craved cheap imitations and the Italians churned them out like there was no tomorrow. These movies where often shot in the Philippines and created a lot of jobs both for the locals, and for expats who was looking for something to do while not sitting in a bar drinking themselves to death. I guess that was how Craig Alan was cast as Roger Craig in The Last AmericanSoldier. With a bland look and an unfit body he ruled the business for two years and then disappeared like so many others of his kind.

The story is nothing special. Roger Craig is an ex-vietnam veteran who sees his whole village getting massacred by evil Evil EVIL Russians and in the end also witnesses the murder of his wife. He takes some mercenary buddies and takes revenge. That's it.

The Last American Soldier, also called Commander, was produced by still hyperactive Pinoy company Regal Films. Probably financed by Italians, because this has a lot of spaghetti-eaters involved - from director Ignazio Dolce (who had a very long career as a second unit director in Italy, from Peplums in the sixties to Antonio Margheriti-flicks in the eighties) to legendary soundman Nick Alexander (but I didn't hear his voice this time, which was a pity!). But the feeling is more of crazy, over-the-top Filipino action movie than the usual Italian business. This movie has a LOT of action. Lots of it. American expat Mike Monty, known from a lot of Mattei- and Margheriti-movies also has a small part.

We're talking tons of shoots-outs, explosions everywhere, slow-motion falls from guard towers, more explosions, a well-made helicopter chaser and maybe most important of all: bloody squibs! Yeah, this is not one of those lazy movies that skipped the blood and went for silly stuntmen pretending to get shot - the blood spurts in slow-mo and splatters all over the place. Love when that happens - in movies.

The odd thing with watching this movie is that it was on blu-ray! Who the f**k releases an ultra-low budget jungle action movie co-produced by Italy and the Philippines on BD in this day and age? The Germans of course! And I'm sad to say that they could have skipped the blu in this case, because the quality is at the best a very good DVD. So the quality is excellent for being a movie like this, but we're not talking BD quality. Not even close.

If you want bloody jungle action with a lot of explosions and some cool stunts, The Last American Soldier could be something for you. Get the German BD for best possible quality or just turn to the nearest flea market and dive right into their pile of old VHS tapes and you will have ninety minutes of excellent entertainment.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Death Smiles at Murder (1973)


I'm not really sure what's going in Death Smiles at Murder, but what I can figure out it's a complex mess of reanimation and a romantic threesome. That's the short version of the story and I think I'll keep it that way. Like the good Alex Bakshaev once said (today on Facebook, that is), this is one of those movies together with Fulci's City of the Living Dead where the narrative is forced to step down to the superior visual extravaganza that unveils in front of your eyes. 

Death Smiles at Murder is just something so pure as cinematic poetry. A macabre, Poe-esque poem about love, death and reanimation. The story is very abstract, almost in fragments and it's rarely that I can see how the story comes together in a logical way. If you focus on the details you will miss the most important part of this movie: the big picture. Yeah, it's in front of you the whole time and to be able to fully appreciate this work of art you have to take a step back and watch it from a distance. It's not until then you will understand it.

There's not secret that Joe D'Amato, or Aristide Massaccesi, was an expert cinematographer. He might have directed a lot of trash, some really lousy crap to, but most of it looked like a million bucks. Death Smiles at Murder looks so good that I can't even imagine why this movie isn't more popular. It's up there with the best cinematography I EVER seen! This is combination with a very poetic and beautiful story makes this something very special, a masterpiece. Maybe I'm alone comparing it to Picnic at Hanging Rock - both regarding style and visuals, but also the almost dreamlike fairy tale atmosphere.

As a pure genre movie I guess is a frustrating experience for the causal ordinary German gorehound with an Emo girlfriend. D'Amato uses his talent to film boobs more than once, in very tasteful ways I should notice, and it's a violent movie with some gory/bloody scenes - cheap effects, but works fine within the frameworks of the rest of the story. There's reanimated dead people, but to call this a zombie movie is going too far. Joe tries a little bit harder, and together with Zeder this is probably the most unique living dead-movie made in Europe (I could include The Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue there to).

It also have a very fine cast with Ewa Aulin being excellent in the lead. Kinski has a small part (and I'm sure he got a really good salary!) but makes his performance edgy and intelligent. Even the traditional bore, Giacomo Rossi-Stuart, is good enough to entertain me. Which might be the first time he succeeded with that mission.

Death Smiles at Murder is up there with the best of Jess Franco and Jean Rollin. I wonder what would have happen if D'Amato had gone this route instead of the road he chose in the end? Well, we wouldn't have enjoyed Anthropophagus, Absurd, Endgame, Beyond the Darkness and... eh, Porno Holocaust. Not to forget the Ator-films!

Friday, February 24, 2012

Bad Inclination (2003)


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